Current location:Worldly Window news portal > opinions
LIZ JONES: Here's the final straw that ended my disastrous relationship
Worldly Window news portal2024-05-19 14:33:26【opinions】9People have gathered around
IntroductionIt was the final straw, the pointless argument that was the nail in the coffin of my disastrous on/o
It was the final straw, the pointless argument that was the nail in the coffin of my disastrous on/off, mostly pen-pal friendship with David 1.0. You simply cannot call what we have been resuscitating every now and then a ‘relationship’, given we’ve not had sex since October, and then it was disappointing.
The vintage physical contact took place in my lovely room at the Rosewood hotel in London, where I was staying for work. He had brought sex toys and a blindfold, so there was no skin on skin, no actual kissing, merely him rummaging, as though wanting to find Marmite in the back of a cupboard. I was not aroused. Instead I felt annoyed at the blindfold, given I could no longer admire the twinkling erotic edifice that is the London Shard.
Back to the camel’s back. He had turned up for the weekend (he slept on the sofa) to help me move a few things into my new house. We packed my car, and I stopped to get petrol. Big mistake. As we queued he asked, ‘Do you know how to tell which side your petrol cap is on the car?’
Me: ‘Well, I know it’s on the driver’s side because I looked.’
Him: ‘But without looking at the outside. See the little icon of a petrol pump? The hose is on the right, which means the petrol cap is on the right.’
Me: ‘OK, but I already know which side it’s on.’
Him: ‘But what if you were in a hire car?’
I said he was mansplaining; that the point of him is to be helpful and make me laugh, not give me a lecture. He went on for so long I had to snap, ‘Please stop talking about petrol pumps, you’re driving me insane!’ Silence, at last.
We got to the house, unloaded a few things. He looked at the shell of a kitchen. ‘You need cupboards,’ he said. ‘There is nowhere to put any food.’
Me: ‘Have you seen your kitchen?’ His has a stained cork floor, is mostly flooded, without a light, and has numerous pairs of jeans stiff on radiators, like the bottom half of a 1970s Van der Graaf Generator rock concert.
Him: ‘I have more cupboards than you do.’
I don’t understand why men have to be so combative and negative.
We drove to a pub for Sunday lunch, where he bagged the banquette, leaving me to perch on a hard chair. I paid. He was increasingly getting on my nerves. That morning he’d helped me turn out the horses. Unfortunately, when I released Swirly, like a balloon on the end of a piece of string in a strong wind, she barged into him. He was rooted to the spot for what seemed like hours.
‘Did she wind you?’ I asked him, feigning concern. ‘She barely grazed me. It was the walk through mud that finished me off.’ He has trouble breathing; he has commendably given up smoking, but sucks on vapes like a kitten on a teat, only less endearing.
That evening he kept using my Vincent Van Duysen for Zara porcelain plates and bowls. He said, meanly, ‘Who keeps mugs in a drawer?’ Well. ‘I do. And even I haven’t used my Zara plates,’ I snapped. He clattered down a fork and stormed off. I went to bed to stream Ripley, relishing the murderous plotting. I woke next morning, half expecting him to be gone. But no, he was lingering.
I was in a rush, waiting for the removal men to arrive to load the last few big things. And he said the sentence that women everywhere have come to dread: ‘I can’t find my iPhone.’ Why do men always lose things? In Paris it was the gold-plated lighter I gave him. In one hotel he left his clothes in a wardrobe.
And now his phone. Cue hours spent searching in my car, beneath cushions. He left without it, so I spent the rest of the day phoning the pub we had lunch in, retracing our steps, updating him.
I do feel sorry for him. He texted the next day (from his iPad): ‘I am going to start walking in the park from tomorrow.’ But it’s too late.
I cannot prop up someone else: I have a hard enough job looking after myself. He is that weird mix: arrogant, but nothing to back it up. He is like a combustible gas: he floats harmlessly, but light a match and he explodes. Some friendships buoy you up, others drain you. This is clearly the latter.
I have managed to move house. Most importantly, I have moved on. From him.
Jones Moans... What Liz loathes this week
- When a guest uses a towel, then hangs it with others. Now I have to wash all of them!
- When a guest asks you to watch The 1% Club quiz show so they can show off. I don’t watch TV before 6pm!
- When a guest uses your Carrara marble work surface to chop plums. They stain!
- When a guest complains that your set of Conran Shop knives (never used) are all blunt. Use the knife sharpener!
Contact liz at lizjonesgoddess.com and find her @lizjonesgoddess
Address of this article:http://www.camilleandconfettis.com/article-88d899072.html
Very good!(729)
Related articles
- Revealed: Meghan and Prince Harry were flown around Nigeria for free with 'top
- Trump, 78, suffers embarrassing wobble at Minnesota rally, with campaigners for 81 year
- Interest rates and RRR may see cuts
- Revealed: Meghan and Prince Harry were flown around Nigeria for free with 'top
- Chinese books attract global attention at Italy's biggest book fair
- Gazdag, Carranza, Semmle lead Union to 3
- Chinese books attract global attention at Italy's biggest book fair
- Bank of America trader, 25, dies suddenly 'of a cardiac arrest' during work event
- UN report gives cautiously optimistic near
- China to initiate issuance of ultra
Popular articles
Recommended
Trump sees massive surge in the polls with surprise demographic: 'Truly historic'
Famed GOP advisor and political commentator Alice Stewart dies suddenly, found dead outside at 58
Hamas says permanent Gaza ceasefire 'cornerstone' for agreement with Israel
Man shoots his 6
Iran's leader condemns U.S. police's violence against pro
Jury finds Honolulu's former top prosecutor and 5 others not guilty in a federal bribery case
Rough return to 'normal' sends Scheffler down the leaderboard at PGA Championship
Missouri candidate with ties to the KKK can stay on the Republican ballot, judge rules
Links
- Labour Party says use of Andrew Tate image in Instagram post a mistake
- ancient chinese scroll sells for fifty seven million dollars
- Tauranga bars to close earlier under booze rule changes
- Seymour promise reveals tension at the heart of government
- Hong Kong man jailed 21 months for throwing eggs
- Cancer patients' travel funding boost: 'Important no one falling through the gap'
- Māori portrait to return from UK after decades
- Israel reined in by International Court of Justice rulings on Gaza
- Cancer patients' travel funding boost: 'Important no one falling through the gap'
- Alec Baldwin again charged with manslaughter in 'Rust' movie